I did something really radical yesterday. I went to an office supply store and bought 30 pens. I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Whenever I go to get a pen from the two places we keep them in the house, I either can’t find one, or grab one that doesn’t work. I don’t know where the good ones go (I’m suspicious of school back packs) but they’re probably with the missing socks that disappear during laundry sorting. It’s a little thing, but it drives me crazy.

And it’s been driving me crazy for years. Because the little things are the big things when it comes to daily happiness.

I was just talking with a friend of mine about this recently who lost her father. She was telling me how it was the little things she remembered that really made her sad. Like seeing the chair pushed-in that he used to always leave out. Or noticing one of his favorite food items on a grocery shelf.

I find this is so true when it comes to creating more joy in our family. The things that disrupt my day are not the fact I did not win the lottery, or that I was not selected to be the next American Idol. It’s things like not being able to find a pen when I need it. Or having to rush the kids out the door in the morning. Or running to the store and forgetting the one thing I went in for.

I could take any one of those little things and make a small change to improve it, and it would make a difference in how my day goes.

At least that’s what happened when I bought the 30 pens. As silly as it sounds, there were at least three occasions yesterday when I needed a pen and voila! There it was. Working perfectly. I literally smiled. Talk about simple joy.

And because of the nature of change, I will eventually come to take the pens for granted and not appreciate them much at some point in the future. But they will no longer be disrupting my day, which is a big positive.

I was so excited about this success that I went a step further. I created a “master packing list” for when I travel that includes any and every item I have ever thought of bringing with me. I’m going out of town tomorrow, and that list was a huge help in getting everything together. Plus I don’t have that nagging feeling like I’m forgetting something. We’ll see how it works.

What are the little things around your house that drive you crazy or could be more efficient? What small step could you take to move you forward in at least one area? Grab a pen if you have one , and add it to your to-do list now. The little things really are the big things – you’ll see.

Put your new to-do item under the category of “joy.”

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Well, we did it. I mentioned in my last blog that I wanted to give my kids some perspective on how good they have it at home, so I took them to a local homeless shelter. Senior volunteers served lunch that day, and we passed out clothes to needy people for several hours. We all learned a lot.

My 11 year old daughter was totally into it and enjoyed helping people get what they needed. She loved it and can’t wait to go back.

My 9 year old son was into it for about 45 minutes, and then became somewhat bored, and amused himself with another little boy and some stuffed animals laying around. He sorta got the point of it all, and I was pretty quick to judge him negatively for not working harder.

You see, it turns out that I only sorta got it too. I’m chagrined to admit that my experience was more like my son’s when I get totally honest about it. Except I covered it up by continuing to work rather than playing with stuffed animals.  I found the experience inspiring and energizing at first, but about an hour and a half into it I started feeling really tired and just wanted to go home.

Several great things came out of it all. First, the kids came home and dug through their closets and under couches and I don’t know where all to gather loose change. They added some of their own money and now have about $20 they want to give away to the” poor people.” (I’m trying to help them create a more uplifting way to refer to them.)

Our next plan is to go downtown,  find some homeless people on the street, and either give them some money or take them into a nearby restaurant and buy them coffee or lunch or something. I think the direct contact will be very meaningful for all of us. I would really like for the kids to be able to talk with some homeless folks and overcome the fears they have of them too.

And I’ve come to learn more about myself though it all, as always happens. I realized that passing out clothes at a shelter isn’t my thing, and I’m so grateful for the diversity in the world as there are others out there who love it. I love to speak about Appreciative Living and help people change their lives by changing their thinking, so I offered to do that at one of their upcoming events. I’m guessing I will find speaking much more enjoyable, and will likely add more value than I did passing out clothes.

When we use our greatest strengths and share our gifts in a way we love, I think everyone benefits the most. And that looks different for all of us. So while I was quick to pass judgment on my son and say he “should” be working harder to pass out clothes, I had to step back and say that it was not ‘his thing.’ And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s good information to help you find out what ‘your thing’ is.

I know I’ve learned this before, but like layers of an onion I got it at a deeper level today. There really are no “shoulds. ” When you do what you love it is energizing and inspiring and it doesn’t feel like “I should.” It feels like  “I can’t wait.”

I want to remember this for myself, and to continue to teach it to my kids. It can take time to align to what we really enjoy, but I believe it’s worth the journey for everyone. So we’ll continue on our quest for service work that is so enjoyable we can’t wait to go, and would rather not leave.

And that will likely be something different for each of us.

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One of my children who shall remain nameless announced yesterday that, “We have it the worst of any family in my entire class.” This declaration came about 6 hours into a 10 hour drive home after visiting family in Florida.

I paused for a moment, mostly because I was in total shock, and then asked, “Why do you think this?”

The young person in the back seat responded, “Because we are the only ones in the whole class who have to do chores, and it’s not fair.”

A rather lengthy conversation ensued, heated at times, and all kinds of beliefs emerged about what was fair and right. Car rides are a great place to work these big issues out because no one can escape.

The glaring realization that came out of it all for me, was a fundamental lack of appreciation by this child for how truly good they have it at home. While I’m clearly biased, I have to tell you that my children want for nothing.

Well, nothing besides a dog, eating candy throughout the day, playing Wii for hours on end, a big house on the ocean, staying up as late as they want, sleep-overs every weekend, and oh – no more chores.

I couldn’t help thinking of the line from that Joni Mitchell song, Yellow Taxi:  “You don’t know what you got till it’s gone.” It’s so human of us to not appreciate what we have till it either goes away or we experience something worse.

I totally see it in myself too. I take for granted my ability to walk and type and move freely until I work with people with MS who cannot do this. I completely forget about the freedom and safety I enjoy in everyday living until I see people in the news who live in war zones and constantly fear for their lives.

I also want for nothing, yet I don’t always appreciate it either. It’s just human nature to take the good things for granted, and allow our wants to loom up and make us feel like we have it “soooo bad.” We have to constantly work to see the good that sits quietly or else it gets lost. This is the essence of Appreciative Living.

Back to my children. So what we decided to do, is create experiences that allow all of us to appreciate how good we have it. And to do it in a way that is enjoyable. So we’re embarking on monthly service work, where we find a different organization or event we will support both financially and with our time.

We’re letting the kids help find the event, and to determine what portion of their chore money they will donate. Jon and I will kick in as well, and we’re looking forward to the kind of joy that comes from serving. We’re targeting our first event for this Friday to help provide lunch at a local soup kitchen.

I think it will be good for all of us, and while I wish I could say we were going to do it once a week, once a month is a more realistic place to start. If we find an organization or mission we really like we may get more involved, but we’ll see how it emerges.

Once again, I find my children are great catalysts for learning when I take the time to really listen. I’ll let you know how it goes…

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My personal life rose up like a big tsunami the past week or two, and consumed every waking hour. So I’ve not posted to this blog in a while.

I’m part of that “sandwich generation” people talk about, who is caring for young children at home while also having aging parents. I guess you could say that makes me the “salami.” Who came up with this metaphor? And it’s not like we’re the first people in history to care for parents and children at the same time. We need a new metaphor that is more uplifting.

In any event, it was the aging parent side of my sandwich life that engulfed me this week.

My Dad has been dealing with an undiagnosed progressive disease for over ten years, and ended up in the hospital. He was finally diagnosed with a rare type of palsy that required us to put him in a long term care facility. It has been a very difficult and emotional time for all of us, and I thank God literally for this Appreciative Living work. It has sustained me through it all and allowed me to see so much good in a situation fraught with difficulty.

I could write an entire book on the journey we’ve been through, but there is one key thing I did that stands out that helped me find hope and even laughter as we went along. For those of you who follow my Appreciative Living work, this won’t be a big surprise.

It was continuing to look for anything good I could find in the situation. Some days it was hard to find, and some days I didn’t want to look. But eventually I was always able to see the gifts, whether it was the kindness of people who helped us, the strength of my Mom in caring for him, or the  times my dad surprised us with his sense of humor. We had a lot of good moments and I expect many more in the days ahead.

And I cried a lot too. It’s all part of the journey, which reminds me of that quote by John Vance Cheney: “The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears.”

Now that my Dad is in his new home receiving the very best care we could get for him, I feel a sense of balance returning to my life. I’ve learned so much in this journey that will be of benefit to me and others. I’m doing a lot with the Multiple Sclerosis community, and I see tremendous overlap. As difficult as it has been, a lot of good has and will continue to come of it.

I also feel incredibly grateful to have my parents in my life, along with my children. On the good days I see all the blessings, and on the bad days I feel like salami.

We all know what the salami is about, but what about the love and special moments of having so many people in your life you love and who love you back more deeply than probably anyone else in the world ever will? And what about all those crazy quirks and idiosyncrasies that every family has that make it special? (Think… “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.”) It’s time to look at the good parts of caring for our kids and parents, and create a metaphor that celebrates that. Tell me your ideas!

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It was cold and drizzling last evening, so I sat in my car with my son while my daughter played soccer. I wasn’t as brave as some of the other moms and dads who cheered their kids on in the rain. There are limits to my love.

I was also low on patience after spending the afternoon engaged in homework battles, an unsuccessful search to find two library books, and scraping dinner together (Cheerios with milk, and broccoli on the side to make it look like I tried.)

I finally took a minute in the car to stop and reflect and realized I had not been enjoying the journey that evening. I decided to try and turn my attitude around with my Appreciative Living tools, and started a gratitude list.

I took ten minutes to look for the good in the present moment and saw lots of things to appreciate. Like the soccer fields full of children who were clearly enjoying themselves, including one little girl who couldn’t be any cuter as she literally skipped to the soccer ball.

The problem was, I didn’t feel any better as I noticed things that would typically make me feel good.  In fact, I was starting to feel worse.

After ten minutes or so I finally quit. It wasn’t working.  I realized there must be something deeper going on, so I tuned into myself and realized I was feeling overwhelmed. I had been going non-stop the last several days and I needed a break.

I decided I would take the kids home, love them as much as I could, then get them to bed and take some time for myself to unwind and relax. The house was going to remain in whatever condition it was in.

After they were in bed I sat on the couch for my coveted time, and practically fell over. I was exhausted. Rather than staying up to take time for myself, I fell into bed at 8:55pm and slept for nine straight hours. It was the best decision I made all week.

There’s nothing like a great night of sleep to give me a whole new attitude and energy for the day ahead.

Sometimes it’s a journey for me to figure out what I really need to do to recharge. Last night it was sleep, occasionally it’s a night out, and once in a while it’s tackling something I’ve been putting off. But one thing I know, is that I have to take care of myself to enjoy parenting and be the kind of parent I feel good about being.

And as much as I know this, I don’t always do it. That’s when I find myself in situations like last night. And like I’ve said in previous blogs, it’s a journey. As much as I wish I could be balanced all the time, I really don’t think it’s possible. There will be those overwhelmed times, stressed out moments, and periods of exhaustion, and it just goes with the territory.

The goal for me is to notice the out-of-balance moments a little sooner, get back on track a little more quickly, and not beat myself up (or my children) in the process.

A daily check-in of how I’m doing would probably be a great way to do this, but frankly it exhausts me to think of adding one more thing to my morning routine.  Which leads me to conclude that maybe I’m not as recharged as I thought. Perhaps a funny, light, mindless movie this evening will do the trick. Or as Kristine suggested in her previous blog response, a half hour with a good magazine.

Tell me. How do you know when you’re out of balance, and what do you do to recharge?

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We were all tired this morning. My son’s hamster loves to run on his exercise wheel, but something went awry last night and it sounded like an elephant rather than a hamster. It woke the kids up at various points through the night, and my son finally came down and crawled into bed with me at 5:00am.

My first thought was how exhausted the kids were going to be, and what I was going to do about the wheel. I decided I would go to the pet store and see if I could find another one, which led to the thought about my daughter’s hamster and how chunky he’s getting. Perhaps I’d bring him along and have him checked out to be sure he’s okay. And then I realized I had a packed schedule and didn’t know how I was going to get to the pet store, especially since my son has soccer and my daughter has dance, and then, and, oh my, and,…..  my mind was spinning wild on its own mental exercise wheel.

At some point I became aware again of the body laying next to me. My son is nine years old and I know the time is right around the corner when he won’t be coming into my bed anymore. I remembered my intention to start and end each day by really appreciating my children, so I shifted my full attention to him, and wrapped my arms and heart around him. I lost myself in the moment and it was pure heaven. For an entire half hour I got to experience what has to be the greatest joy of all in parenting: to really connect and love your child.

And then the alarm went off and I got back on the mental wheel and lost myself in the morning routine of getting breakfast, packing lunches, and saying “hurry up” no less than a dozen times. I talked about this in yesterday’s blog post, of how we get so caught up in the mission that we don’t take time to “look out the window” and enjoy our children. Or “smell the roses” as it were.

I’m finding it takes concerted effort to pause what I’m doing and really appreciate and connect with my children. I thought it was because I was so busy, but what I’m realizing, is a lot of it is because my mind is so busy. Even when I’m not active my mind certainly is. It’s very much like a hamster on a wheel, or perhaps the energizer bunny.

I know from my Appreciative Living work, that meditation is one of the best ways to help slow my mind down and be more present. I’ve not been doing it much recently, and this might be why I’m feeling like my brain is busier than usual. I am going to begin again with this practice. I don’t do any special type. I just sit still in a chair with my eyes closed for 15 minutes, and relax and clear my mind. I feel better just thinking about doing it.

Do any of you meditate? Can any of you relate to the “mental wheel?” And if so, what do you do to get off of it? I’d love to hear more ideas on how to pause and connect. Tell me what you think!    – jackie

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I remember a story Betty Sue Flowers told at a conference several  years back about the astronauts who first walked on the moon.  She said they had just landed on earth and were being quarantined in a special room to be sure they were not bringing back any dangerous germs.

They were watching television footage of their infamous journey, including spectacular shots of the earth from outer space. At some point one of them turned to the other and essentially said, “We missed the whole thing.”

I feel like this as a parent sometimes. I get swept away in the mission of making sure the kids are eating healthy, doing well in school, adjusting socially, expanding through extra activities, sleeping adequately, behaving well, and learning what I believe is important in life, that I miss the whole thing. I miss the beauty and miracle of watching them grow up. And when they were babies I feel like I really missed the whole thing, as any spare moments I had were used to squeeze in a meal or shower for myself.

This is one of the reasons I can’t wait to be a grandparent. Grandparents are not concerned so much with the mission as they are looking out the window. And I bet part of this comes from the realization that they too missed a lot of it as parents.

And yet the mission is important. If the astronauts had spent all their time staring out the window, they might not have made it to the moon let alone back to earth. Someone has to steer the ship. I think it comes down to balance as well as awareness.

First we have to be aware there is a miraculous part of raising a child that is always there regardless of how well or poorly the mission is going. And I believe that much of the satisfaction and joy in parenting comes from pausing to look out the window at our child and see the beauty of who they are. And to connect with the miracle and honor of being able to raise a child and watch them fully step into their life.

I’m committing for the next two weeks to start and end each day by doing this. When I first see my children in the morning I’m going to pause and really look at the miracle of who they are, and connect to the deep love and honor I feel for getting to be such an important and intimate part of their journey. No-one will ever know them or love them the way I do. I would give my life for them, and in many ways I do metaphorically. But I’ll save that for another day.

Anyone else want to try this experiment with me?

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I am so grateful to all of you who responded to my first blog post yesterday on how we sometimes fake happiness. I love knowing we are “in this together,” and so appreciate your insights! I’ll be returning to them for future post ideas and can’t wait to hear what you say next!

Today I’d like to respond to the comment made by Lee that we each need to be responsible for our happiness. The way I see this, is if my kids are nagging and grumpy, I can stay in a calm and joyful state regardless. What they are doing or feeling does not have to impact me, and vice-versa.

While I wholeheartedly agree with this in theory, I think the practical side needs to be honestly looked at.

In other words, I (who does this appreciative work for a living) know I “should” be able to stay calm and centered on those days when my kids are tired, crabby, and seem to fight with each other non-stop. I find that if I am in a really good place myself, I can do it. I can be the calm in the storm and handle the situation lovingly and rationally. And I feel so good about myself on those days.

And then there are those other times when I’m not in such a good place. I might be tired and crabby myself, and when they show up grumpy, we feed off each other into a downward spiral.

So what do we do? I still believe it is important for us to take responsibility for our happiness, and to teach our kids to do the same. I also think we need to rethink it as a journey rather than a destination. In other words, it’s an ideal. Staying joyful in the midst of negativity is something we continuously work towards and strive to achieve. And in those moments we are able to do it, we celebrate that. And when we don’t measure up, we don’t beat ourselves up. We reflect on the situation and learn from it, and try again.

And let’s face it. Staying joyful in any moment, even without negative influences, is a journey as well.

The other thing I’m realizing is that I am at my best as a parent when I’m in a good place. When I’m feeling on-top-of the world, I’m the greatest parent of all. I can respond lovingly to almost any situation. Which makes me think that the real secret to “good” parenting is feeling good about yourself. Would you agree? Tell me what you think!

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Welcome to my 2-month blog experiment!

I can’t believe I allowed a picture of myself in a bathing suit to be posted at the top of my blog page for the whole world to see. But this is one of my favorite pictures, because I was completely absorbed in the moment and thoroughly enjoying myself with my kids.

Part of my goal with this blog is to discover how we can all create more of these kinds of moments as parents, and to debunk the unspoken cultural myths that can keep us from them.

Like the fact we need to smile for pictures, or even funnier, say “cheese.”  What if we just held pencils with our teeth instead? Wouldn’t that make a bigger smile? Isn’t that the goal?

Apparently the goal is to look like we’re happy regardless of what we’re feeling. I am very good at this with many years of practice. And if fake happiness stopped with pictures it would be one thing, but I think it sneaks into parenting too. Like when I show up at school PTA events with my designated dish, all fake smiles, ready to help. I look around and it appears all the other “good parents” are enjoying themselves, while I can’t wait to get out of there.

Which is another reason why I’m experimenting with this blog. It occurred to me that I hold this unconscious picture of what a “good parent” is and does that can get in the way of me being one. I know I’m not alone, and want to co-create a new story of “good parenting” together with all of you.

One of the solutions I see from my Appreciative Living work is to get clear about our strengths and successes and what we truly like doing, which for me in the PTA situation might be donating my books and services as giveaways for their events, or occasionally sending in a dessert. I like to bake. I really believe that when we play to our unique strengths and do what we love that everyone wins. And you know the expression: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy.”

My goal here is to take us all on a journey of discovery into what really works in our families and to acknowledge and celebrate what’s right. It’s about getting in touch with our hopes and dreams for the future, and taking inspired action to make them come alive.

It’s putting parenting and joy in the same sentence – for real. I can’t wait to get started, and would love to know who’s with me. Tell me what you think about all this! -jackie

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