We were all tired this morning. My son’s hamster loves to run on his exercise wheel, but something went awry last night and it sounded like an elephant rather than a hamster. It woke the kids up at various points through the night, and my son finally came down and crawled into bed with me at 5:00am.

My first thought was how exhausted the kids were going to be, and what I was going to do about the wheel. I decided I would go to the pet store and see if I could find another one, which led to the thought about my daughter’s hamster and how chunky he’s getting. Perhaps I’d bring him along and have him checked out to be sure he’s okay. And then I realized I had a packed schedule and didn’t know how I was going to get to the pet store, especially since my son has soccer and my daughter has dance, and then, and, oh my, and,…..  my mind was spinning wild on its own mental exercise wheel.

At some point I became aware again of the body laying next to me. My son is nine years old and I know the time is right around the corner when he won’t be coming into my bed anymore. I remembered my intention to start and end each day by really appreciating my children, so I shifted my full attention to him, and wrapped my arms and heart around him. I lost myself in the moment and it was pure heaven. For an entire half hour I got to experience what has to be the greatest joy of all in parenting: to really connect and love your child.

And then the alarm went off and I got back on the mental wheel and lost myself in the morning routine of getting breakfast, packing lunches, and saying “hurry up” no less than a dozen times. I talked about this in yesterday’s blog post, of how we get so caught up in the mission that we don’t take time to “look out the window” and enjoy our children. Or “smell the roses” as it were.

I’m finding it takes concerted effort to pause what I’m doing and really appreciate and connect with my children. I thought it was because I was so busy, but what I’m realizing, is a lot of it is because my mind is so busy. Even when I’m not active my mind certainly is. It’s very much like a hamster on a wheel, or perhaps the energizer bunny.

I know from my Appreciative Living work, that meditation is one of the best ways to help slow my mind down and be more present. I’ve not been doing it much recently, and this might be why I’m feeling like my brain is busier than usual. I am going to begin again with this practice. I don’t do any special type. I just sit still in a chair with my eyes closed for 15 minutes, and relax and clear my mind. I feel better just thinking about doing it.

Do any of you meditate? Can any of you relate to the “mental wheel?” And if so, what do you do to get off of it? I’d love to hear more ideas on how to pause and connect. Tell me what you think!    – jackie

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I remember a story Betty Sue Flowers told at a conference several  years back about the astronauts who first walked on the moon.  She said they had just landed on earth and were being quarantined in a special room to be sure they were not bringing back any dangerous germs.

They were watching television footage of their infamous journey, including spectacular shots of the earth from outer space. At some point one of them turned to the other and essentially said, “We missed the whole thing.”

I feel like this as a parent sometimes. I get swept away in the mission of making sure the kids are eating healthy, doing well in school, adjusting socially, expanding through extra activities, sleeping adequately, behaving well, and learning what I believe is important in life, that I miss the whole thing. I miss the beauty and miracle of watching them grow up. And when they were babies I feel like I really missed the whole thing, as any spare moments I had were used to squeeze in a meal or shower for myself.

This is one of the reasons I can’t wait to be a grandparent. Grandparents are not concerned so much with the mission as they are looking out the window. And I bet part of this comes from the realization that they too missed a lot of it as parents.

And yet the mission is important. If the astronauts had spent all their time staring out the window, they might not have made it to the moon let alone back to earth. Someone has to steer the ship. I think it comes down to balance as well as awareness.

First we have to be aware there is a miraculous part of raising a child that is always there regardless of how well or poorly the mission is going. And I believe that much of the satisfaction and joy in parenting comes from pausing to look out the window at our child and see the beauty of who they are. And to connect with the miracle and honor of being able to raise a child and watch them fully step into their life.

I’m committing for the next two weeks to start and end each day by doing this. When I first see my children in the morning I’m going to pause and really look at the miracle of who they are, and connect to the deep love and honor I feel for getting to be such an important and intimate part of their journey. No-one will ever know them or love them the way I do. I would give my life for them, and in many ways I do metaphorically. But I’ll save that for another day.

Anyone else want to try this experiment with me?

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I am so grateful to all of you who responded to my first blog post yesterday on how we sometimes fake happiness. I love knowing we are “in this together,” and so appreciate your insights! I’ll be returning to them for future post ideas and can’t wait to hear what you say next!

Today I’d like to respond to the comment made by Lee that we each need to be responsible for our happiness. The way I see this, is if my kids are nagging and grumpy, I can stay in a calm and joyful state regardless. What they are doing or feeling does not have to impact me, and vice-versa.

While I wholeheartedly agree with this in theory, I think the practical side needs to be honestly looked at.

In other words, I (who does this appreciative work for a living) know I “should” be able to stay calm and centered on those days when my kids are tired, crabby, and seem to fight with each other non-stop. I find that if I am in a really good place myself, I can do it. I can be the calm in the storm and handle the situation lovingly and rationally. And I feel so good about myself on those days.

And then there are those other times when I’m not in such a good place. I might be tired and crabby myself, and when they show up grumpy, we feed off each other into a downward spiral.

So what do we do? I still believe it is important for us to take responsibility for our happiness, and to teach our kids to do the same. I also think we need to rethink it as a journey rather than a destination. In other words, it’s an ideal. Staying joyful in the midst of negativity is something we continuously work towards and strive to achieve. And in those moments we are able to do it, we celebrate that. And when we don’t measure up, we don’t beat ourselves up. We reflect on the situation and learn from it, and try again.

And let’s face it. Staying joyful in any moment, even without negative influences, is a journey as well.

The other thing I’m realizing is that I am at my best as a parent when I’m in a good place. When I’m feeling on-top-of the world, I’m the greatest parent of all. I can respond lovingly to almost any situation. Which makes me think that the real secret to “good” parenting is feeling good about yourself. Would you agree? Tell me what you think!

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Welcome to my 2-month blog experiment!

I can’t believe I allowed a picture of myself in a bathing suit to be posted at the top of my blog page for the whole world to see. But this is one of my favorite pictures, because I was completely absorbed in the moment and thoroughly enjoying myself with my kids.

Part of my goal with this blog is to discover how we can all create more of these kinds of moments as parents, and to debunk the unspoken cultural myths that can keep us from them.

Like the fact we need to smile for pictures, or even funnier, say “cheese.”  What if we just held pencils with our teeth instead? Wouldn’t that make a bigger smile? Isn’t that the goal?

Apparently the goal is to look like we’re happy regardless of what we’re feeling. I am very good at this with many years of practice. And if fake happiness stopped with pictures it would be one thing, but I think it sneaks into parenting too. Like when I show up at school PTA events with my designated dish, all fake smiles, ready to help. I look around and it appears all the other “good parents” are enjoying themselves, while I can’t wait to get out of there.

Which is another reason why I’m experimenting with this blog. It occurred to me that I hold this unconscious picture of what a “good parent” is and does that can get in the way of me being one. I know I’m not alone, and want to co-create a new story of “good parenting” together with all of you.

One of the solutions I see from my Appreciative Living work is to get clear about our strengths and successes and what we truly like doing, which for me in the PTA situation might be donating my books and services as giveaways for their events, or occasionally sending in a dessert. I like to bake. I really believe that when we play to our unique strengths and do what we love that everyone wins. And you know the expression: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy.”

My goal here is to take us all on a journey of discovery into what really works in our families and to acknowledge and celebrate what’s right. It’s about getting in touch with our hopes and dreams for the future, and taking inspired action to make them come alive.

It’s putting parenting and joy in the same sentence – for real. I can’t wait to get started, and would love to know who’s with me. Tell me what you think about all this! -jackie

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