Welcome to my 2-month blog experiment!
I can’t believe I allowed a picture of myself in a bathing suit to be posted at the top of my blog page for the whole world to see. But this is one of my favorite pictures, because I was completely absorbed in the moment and thoroughly enjoying myself with my kids.
Part of my goal with this blog is to discover how we can all create more of these kinds of moments as parents, and to debunk the unspoken cultural myths that can keep us from them.
Like the fact we need to smile for pictures, or even funnier, say “cheese.” What if we just held pencils with our teeth instead? Wouldn’t that make a bigger smile? Isn’t that the goal?
Apparently the goal is to look like we’re happy regardless of what we’re feeling. I am very good at this with many years of practice. And if fake happiness stopped with pictures it would be one thing, but I think it sneaks into parenting too. Like when I show up at school PTA events with my designated dish, all fake smiles, ready to help. I look around and it appears all the other “good parents” are enjoying themselves, while I can’t wait to get out of there.
Which is another reason why I’m experimenting with this blog. It occurred to me that I hold this unconscious picture of what a “good parent” is and does that can get in the way of me being one. I know I’m not alone, and want to co-create a new story of “good parenting” together with all of you.
One of the solutions I see from my Appreciative Living work is to get clear about our strengths and successes and what we truly like doing, which for me in the PTA situation might be donating my books and services as giveaways for their events, or occasionally sending in a dessert. I like to bake. I really believe that when we play to our unique strengths and do what we love that everyone wins. And you know the expression: “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy.”
My goal here is to take us all on a journey of discovery into what really works in our families and to acknowledge and celebrate what’s right. It’s about getting in touch with our hopes and dreams for the future, and taking inspired action to make them come alive.
It’s putting parenting and joy in the same sentence – for real. I can’t wait to get started, and would love to know who’s with me. Tell me what you think about all this! -jackie
OUCH!! I’m totally with you about playing to your strengths, and only helping in ways that it makes sense to help (I’m an awful chairperson, so I don’t go there). Something took me by surprise though. If there is one thing I never expected to see at an Appreciative Anything website, it’s the quote above (“If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no-one happy.”) Isn’t that an Anti-Appreciative mindset? Whenever I hear that, I want to say “If you aren’t happy, it’s your own fault! And please don’t try to affect others with your unhappiness.” Having just read your newsletter with Stephen Guy’s beautiful poetry and thoughts, that comment just doesn’t sit well. Parenting-wise, I try to teach my daughter that our happiness doesn’t depend on outer circumstances (having to do things we don’t particularly want to do: homework or practice her music) or the mindset or attitude of others (so and so thinks this way about our classmate or my clothes). Now I’m curious. What would you say to a client who approached you with this “If-then” statement? And I hope you really don’t feel that way–but that’s for you to decide, and it won’t affect me. Isn’t the appreciative response: “I’m not happy. What have I done in the past that improved that, and how can I apply that to this situation?” By the way, the picture is absolutely great!
I didn’t put that much thought into the quote when I wrote it and was more trying to add a little humor. I agree we are each responsible for our own happiness, and can experience joy regardless of what is going on around us. At the same time, it takes an awful lot of self-awareness for a child to stay joyful in the presence of an unhappy parent. This is sounding like a great topic for the next blog post- thanks for the input Lee!
Bless you! I wish this blog had existed when my children were still in elementary and high school. But you know, once a parent, always a parent. Even though my “children” are soon to be 22 and 25 with one heading to the Peace Corps this summer, it still is all about enjoying each other and capturing those moments when we’re all engaged and smiling from the heart! I’m very interested in how to have the most meaningful relationship possible with them as we all move forward in our lives!
Bravo Jackie,
Since completing our book “Positive Family Dynamics” we’ve been thinking about the many ways to bring the notion of appreciative family conversations to life. I’ll be curiously following your experiment and as a mother of two grown daughters and two small grandchildren, i’m sure I’ll have lots to contribute. Parenthood is such a perfect place to focus on our strengths and yet there are so many times when we allow our internal dialogue to beat us up. Strength focused blogging just might help us all keep on the path of positivity and joy. I’m with you! Ada Jo
Jackie,
Lee came really close to my thoughts as I read your initiall post. I would like to share that for me if I am triggered by or blame a feeling on some experience now, it always has to do with some story I made up in the past and believe in the present. I have also found that ‘fake it till I make it’ works. In other words act happy. By that I mean method act not pretend happy. So, if I do not have the time to delve into the ’story’ I get into the ‘role’ by practcing laughter yoga for five or ten minutes before I go into a situation I had told myself would be uncomfortable.
Peace and harmony,
David Kelm
I can’t wait to read this blog. I am a new mom of a 3 month old little girl, and have been trying my best to really be in each moment with her and enjoy every second as every one tells me it goes by way too quickly. I want to be a good, positive role model for her as she grows and to build lots of fun, happy memories for my family.
Well, I sure do resinate with the “fake” smaile you mention! I look forward to reading more about authentic parenting. I am a Mom of one fabulous 8 yr old. She attends a Waldorf school here in Seattle, WA and I am constantly learning about patience, peace and the wonder of parenting without the reliance on Media in our lives. We do watch movies and use the internet for fun kids programming but do not have a TV at all! We “killed our television” about 8 months ago now and we love the positive change it has made in our family. By the way, you look fabulous in your bathing suit pic. The authenticity of your joy certainly overshadows any “flaws” you may notice, all I see is FUN!
Rebecca
Dear Jackie – good luck with your blog which I think has great potential. Personally I was relieved to read that I’m not the only person who has dreaded all those parents’ meetings and summer and christmas parties in my son’s school… Somehow, I never felt quite up to par with all the other seemingly successful and more glamourous parents. Had I known about appreciative living and parenting at the time (my son is 19 now) it would probably (hopefully!) have helped me approach those events in a different way.
Hi Jackie,
. But I’m writing because I happened to be reading your latest post just at the moment when I’m in a nasty argument with my husband. As you mention how kids in a bad mood can be contageous, truly anyone you live with who is in a bad mood can rub off on you. Today, for me, that’s my husband. At the moment I was really feeling his nastiness (and my own too 
) I read you line about not having to spiral down with the other person, and it donned on me that I do have a choice in this moment. Just remembering this possibility lightened my mood, so thank you!
PS: and I know this too shall pass…
I’ll confess right up front that my only parenting skills come from my mothering of my 8 year old Portuguese Water Dog – and really, she’s easy
It does help that he’s heading out the door right now (tee hee hee) but I won’t carry his anger with me after he leaves. I feel lighter already…
Kimberly
Thank you so much for this message. I am currently dealing with a very difficult child and we are currently going through counseling to help his anger. I totally agree with you when you say the “real secret to “good” parenting is feeling good about yourself”. But when you feel beat into the ground it’s hard to get out of that hole you are in to be a good parent. It’s reaffirming reading the postings knowing that I’m not the only one dealing with this.
Thank you!
From this blog I think that you are a truly fantastic parent yourself. The blog is truly fantastic and I am 100% sure that this information will be a huge help in the future of my life!
I agree very strongly with everything in this blog and it represents how great you are in a secret way! 
Keep up the great work!
Hey, just want to let you know your RSS feed is receiving WC3 errors for me. Please find a solution!
My web guy is looking into why the RSS feed is not working and will hopefully figure it out soon!